a composition of surrealistic moments.
I write this tonight at 12:26 am. Early in the evening, by Amsterdam standards. I will be blunt and honest in this chronicle tonight. I aim for this state often, but I feel sometimes unable to do that. But here's the free-wheelingsness of my pen-like finger tips.
The sounds of the Arctic. The creaking of ice flowing slowly over a solid watery solemn state. A windswept plain. These sounds fill the void between earth and sky. They are given to an area with no one to receive them. Yet, to those who can catch them, they are a rhythmic melody that is unmistakable.
The reason I pen these is not quite clear to me. I remember hearing these sounds in the winters of my youth. As I grew up on the lake I would listen to these surrealistic tones. Tones that would flash for a brief second. As wind blows over the frozen expanse it causes movement and shifting. Ever heard it? Its beautiful. "A life of Arctic sounds" is an album by Modest Mouse and I always associate its title with this peaceful melody from my childhood...and this utterance equals peace to me.
Yet, there are so many times when I do not posses that most glorious of feelings. I despise "awkward" feelings. I know that no one can give you a feeling. They belong to the bearer. They are purely a response to external stimulation. They are a constructed response. I know that I am not alone. I know that all who read this can relate. Its funny how much I experience this. I feel that I need to write about this tonight. I feel it in crowds of people I know. People that know me. Why does this response come? I would not say it is anxiety. It causes people to "fidget"..."zone out"...I am sure that every one handles it differently. But where is the root? This is the question. There are bits of self-consciousness interwoven in it. Who isn't a bit self-conscious, if they are truly honest. I even venture to say that I am not overly self-conscious, just aware of..."me."
So, it is these sorts of events that cause me to dwell on the idea of surrealism them. They are swirls of reality. When people feel awkward they begin to mix the present events with a myriad of events going on in the world of there minds. What do you think about? What rolllllssss through your mind in an awkward moment?
Well...To those of you who really know me, you will know that my mind runs a mile a minute. Its incredible to even me how many random thought processes are going on in my mind at any given moment. But, all this is the process of maturity in my mind. Harnessing this God-given world within the box atop my shoulders. The work of refinement and coming into a Christ-likeness in all areas of life. Jesus was able to think, feel and express all feelings and emotions. He processed them out, scripture shows it; this is my belief. Anyway...
That's me...its now 1 am so I better go. in Him...Will
Self-centeredness, I think, is the root of all those unpleasant feelings. I think the more focused on God we are, instead of ourselves, the less we are aware of ourselves and our needs, and more attentive we are to others and their needs.
Maybe?
SPF (Comment this)